Everyday Life is Hell For Squall
by Prince Harming
Summary: He is cursed with moronic comrades, forced to be accompanied by an idiotic fan girl and expected to save the world. Squall Leonhart's life is hell. He can only hope that he'll retain his sanity.
1. Don't Be Afraid

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall  
Chapter 1:** Don't Be Afraid

His Gunblade was stuck in the ground. Squall attempted to pull it out but it just wouldn't give.

"Come on you son of a bitch." Squall snarled as he continued to try and pull the sword out of the ground. "Rahhhh!"

His rival, Seifer, snorted with laughter at him. "You can't even pick up your sword!"

"Fuck you," Squall growled, "I'll just kick your ass unarmed!"

Seifer looked like he wanted to snort with laughter at him again. "Bring it!" He challenged.

Squall rushed at Seifer – while Seifer did a vertical slice to Squall's head, knocking him back.

Squall watched the blood pour on to the ground and a new rush filled him; he pulled his Gunblade from out from the ground and gave one last charge at Seifer… only to awake in the infirmary with a massive headache.

"Damn hangovers…" Squall murmured to himself.

Dr. Kadowaki, noticing he had awoken, walked over. "How do you feel?" She asked politely.

Squall clutched his head and replied with, "Like I have a fucking hangover."

Dr. Kadowaki hummed to herself and nodded. "Say your name for me."

"Default." Squall replied dully.

"Alright, you're ok then," Dr. Kadowaki told him, "I'll call your instructor, Quistis."

While Dr. Kadowaki walked off, some random girl walked in. "Squall, you're my last hope." She said to him, before walking away.

"What the…?" Squall mumbled to himself.

Quistis entered and got Squall. They began to walk down the hallway

"Squall… is there something wrong?" She asked.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

The two walked into the 2nd floor classroom. "Class," began Quistis, standing behind the teacher's desk, "Those who completed the written test are free. The rest of you must clean the bathrooms," Some groaning was heard – obviously from the ones who had not completed said written test. "Oh!" She continued, "Seifer don't injure your partner in training… and Squall I need to speak to you."

All the students left but Squall, who walked up to Quistis. "Did you go to the Fire Cavern yet?" The Instructor asked.

"No."

"Ok…" Quistis said to him, her face twitching in annoyance. "Meet me out the front, ok?" She told him, before walking out of the class.

Squall walked out of class, not long after Quistis, and went down the hall and then…

_WHAM_!

Something hit him like a ton of bricks. "Sorry," The girl – who turned out to be what hit him, apologized.

"…" Squall sighed in response.

"Is home room over?"

Squall nodded.

"Oh no!" She began mumbling to herself, "This is so much bigger than my last Garden…" She looked up to Squall, and asked, "Could you give me a tour?"

Squall nodded and took her to the directory… where he gave her a brief tour, before he went off to meet Quistis. "Are you ready?" She asked as he arrived.

"Yes."

"Alright…" She spun around to face him. "Just real quick let me explain-"

"NO!" Squall screamed at her, "YOU WILL NOT EXPLAIN ANYTHING!" He continued his rant, "ALL YOU DO IS WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR NONSTOP BABBLING ABOUT SHIT I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO, GODAMNIT!"

Quistis began to cry. "Fine!" She sobbed, "We'll just go then."

The two arrived at the Fire Cavern's entrance.

"Squall…" Quistis began, "You do know how to-" She stopped when Squall glared at her. "…"

"10, 20, 30, 40," One of the Garden Guys standing at the entrance said.

"10." Squall replied.

"Good luck." Was all the Garden Guy said, before he and the other Garden Guy moved out of the way. Quistis and Squall walked in.

"You know, Squall…" Quistis murmured to him in a sweet voice, "Most boys choke when I accompany them on this test."

"Really?" Asked Squall, raising a disbelieving eyebrow at her. "I think it's because your psycho dribble bores them to suicide."

They moved through the Fire Carven at a blinding speed and they reach Ifrit's lair.

Ifrit popped out of his lava hole. "I'm Ifrit fear m-" was as far as he got before Squall leapt into the air and with on slice felled the beast.

Quistis just stared. "H-how did you do that?"

Squall smirked and held up a little black disk. "Gameshark," He said proudly, "Never leave home without it."

They left the Fire Carven and head back up to the Garden. "Squall, go prepare for the SeeD exam."

"Ok."

Squall went to his room, put on his student uniform and headed over to the directory.

"Squall!" Quistis called, "Over here!"

"You'll be in squad B," She continued as he walked over, "Let me see… your partner is… Zell Dincht, quite a lively fellow"

Squall snorted. "He's not lively… just ADD."

Squall looked up to see Zell doing kicks and flips, however… he forgot to stop and slammed into the directory.

"Owww…" Zell whined, "That hurt!"

Squall inwardly groaned. '_Great… I'm stuck with hyper retard_.'

Zell got up, and looked at Squall. "Wow, I'm with you cool…" Zell got a look on his face – as if he remembered something. "…Didn't you get your ass whooped by Seifer?"

At this comment, Squall grinned and then head butted Zell, which Squall followed up by a knee to midsection, and finished with a backbreaker. Squall looked down at Zell. '_Wax on wax off that you, dumb fuck_.'

"That Seifer you speak of," Quistis interrupted, "Is your squad leader."

"Shit… fuck."

"Damn…"

Seifer and his posse strolled up.

"This is my squad?"

"Yes."

"Just great… we're fucking screwed… I got a retard and wuss boy."

At this, Squall grabbed Seifer and slammed his head in to the directory, then, clotheslined Fujin, kicked Rajin in gut and elbowed him in the head and, just for good measure kicked Zell in the nads. "I'll be in the car." He told his fallen squad + Fujin and Raijin, before he walked off.


	2. The Landing

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall  
Chapter 2:** The Landing

Squall and Squad B were sitting in the sub, on their way to Dollet after the mission briefing.

"Hey, Squall," Zell spoke up, "Show me your gunblade."

Squall raised and eyebrow. '_Does he want to see my sword or my unit_?' "No." Squall responded out loud, before turning to look at Quistis. "Who was the girl in the infirmary today?"

Quistis gave him a confused look. "I don't know, I didn't see anyone."

Seifer snorted with laughter – but it was shortly interrupted by Squall. "Got something to say, _little bitch_?"

"No," Said Seifer, quickly, a frightened look on his face, "But, ummm, could you take a look outside?"

Squall sighed, and reluctantly got up, went up top of the sub and checked the map, however… the sub sped up and crashed through a wall causing squall to go flying. "Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!" Squall did all he could – scream, before he hit the ground. Getting up and checking his pockets, he came to a horrifying discovery. "I've lost my weed… _**NNNNNNNOOOOOOO**_!"

The sub crashed onto the ground behind him and Seifer ran up ahead. Zell caught up with Squall and shrugged at him. "I guess we follow him."

They followed Seifer, where they found themselves in a battle with two G Army Soldiers. "SeeDs… must… kill…" The soldier on the right grunted.

"I don't think so." Squall said cockily, before he beheaded the soldier on the right.

"Hiiiiiyyaaa!" Zell cried as he laid the beat-down on the left one.

They arrived at the central square. "Man… this is boring," Seifer said dully, "You guys want to go up to that communication tower?"

"Sure." Squall and Zell replied.

The three ran over a bridge and climbed some stairs, until they came upon a wounded soldier. "Be careful… there's monsters up th-aaaaarrrggghhhhhhh!" The soldier screamed as he was pulled away by a giant snake.

Seifer pulled out his gunblade. "Leave the final blow for me so I can get the most experience points."

Squall ran up and sliced the snake in half with one slash. "Oh well," Squall smirked mockingly at him. "I guess _I_ get the points."

They walked up to the top of the stairs, and crouched at the end of a cliff overlooking the tower, where Squall and Seifer had a talk about their dreams. Seifer jumped off the cliff and a few seconds later the girl who Squall gave tour to appeared on top a pile of rocks – shortly before she fell off and fell on her face.

"Are you squad B?" The girl asked. Squall and Zell nodded. "Where is your leader?" The two point down at the bottom of the cliff.

Seifer appeared in their line of vision. "Maybe later, I'll tell you my romantic dream!" He told them before running into the tower.

'_Does he mean the one where I'm shirtless wearing assless chaps and riding a mechanical bull_?' Squall thought, before shuddering.

"Squad leader," The girl cried out, "Wait!" Before jumping off the cliff.

Zell stared down. "That's a… long way down…" He mumbled. Squall kicked Zell in ass, sending him off the cliff. Squall himself jumped off and hit a swanton bomb on Zell at the bottom.

"Come on!" The girl urged them, "We've got to follow him! Oh, and my name is Selphie!"

The doors of the tower burst open and soldiers come running out with Seifer right behind with his pants down. "Come on!" Seifer called out to the G Soldiers, "All I want is for someone to hold it!" Seifer stood there for a second, before he shrugged and ran back into the tower and went up elevator. Squall, Zell and Selphie followed him up. Arriving at the top, they saw a man in red working on something.

"Ah there done," The man in red called out victoriously, before the towers flickered on while the satellite dishes popped out. The Man in Red turned, to see the three SeeD cadets. "I-I think I'll leave now." He quickly walked over to the elevator, but Seifer popped out of it – his pants still down and all.

"Would you like to hold it?" Seifer asked, rather eagerly.

The Man in Red turned around to face Squall, Zell and Selphie to begin a battle with the three of them. "I, Biggs, shall send you to Hell!"

Selphie smacked him with her nun chucks – hearing the sound, Wedge came running.

"I'll save you, Sir!"

Wedge got dropped kicked by Zell. Squall was about to finish the two G Soldiers off when a mighty gust of blew them away and down came the Bird Thing.

"Mwahahahah!"

"_Draw_." Squall murmured as he drew Siren from The Bird Thing.

"Hey man, that's my bitch!" The Bird Thing cried out as Siren was taken from him. "_**OH**_, it's on now!"

Squall, bored of the annoying creature's babbling jumped up and delivered his Lion Heart Limit Break to it.

"I am here to tell you that we have to withdraw and be at the shore in 30 minutes." Selphie told Seifer, once the Bird Thing had been defeated.

"Alright… I'm outta here!" Seifer told them before getting the hell out of there.

They board the elevator after it comes back up from Seifer using it and go down to the bottom.

"Uuurrrggghhhhh… I will kill them with this," He mumbled while clicking some buttons on a remote before smirking slightly. "They are now the targets…"

At tower entrance Squall, Zell and Selphie encounter the giant metal spider.

"What the fuck is it?" The three asked each other.

"Thunder!" Selphie cried, hitting it with a thunder spell. The spider gave a mechanical moan of pain.

_Repairing 10_

"Let's haul ass!" Zell told the other two. They nodded, and began to run away while the spider repaired.

They ran, and the spider kept chasing them, eventually making it to the sub. Squall made a dive for it, the spider about to bite his ass off – when suddenly, Quistis unloads the sub's chain gun, blowing it up. Squall and the others all making it onto the sub.

So they do and the spider keeps come after them they get to the boat and squall just a bit behind and then he leaps and the spider is about to get him when Quistis unloads with the chain gun.

They finally arrived at Balamb's port.

"You're free for a while." Quistis told them getting out of the sub.

Seifer ran off and took the car, forcing Squall and the others to walk. Upon entering the Garden, they hear an announcement. "_All those who took part in the field exam, report to the floor 2 hall, __**NOW**_!"

At the hall, a Garden Guy show up. "Those who passed are Nida, Selphie, Zell, and Squall… they are all, because the rest of you sucked ass." Told the people standing in the hall coldly.

Now In Cid's office Cid gave a short, but boring speech and then he began to hand out reports – first Selphie.

"_Psst! The Garden Festival should be good but I'll be to stoned to remember it_."

He handed the next one to Nida. "_Psst! No one cares about you and you will most likely never get laid."_

The next one went to Zell. "_Psst! Damn, man! Get some fucking medication!"_

And, finally, Squall. "_Psst! Maybe one day, I'll get to play with your gunblade_."

"That is all," Cid told them, "Dismissed."

They left. Squall went to his room and changed into his SeeD uniform for the party.

"Woah!" Selphie exclaimed as she saw him. "You look good… C'mon, let's _PARTAY_!"

At the party squall stands alone and a waitress come s by with a drink tray and hand squall a glass of champagne he downs it toss' the glass over his shoulder and it hits zell in the back of the head.

Selphie ran up. "Squall… do you want to join the Garden Festival Committee?"

"Ok."

"Tee-hee, that's great!" She told him, before running off again.

Then a girl approached Squall "You're the best looking guy here," She told him bluntly. "Now… _**dance with me!**_" She demanded.

"No."

"So… you only dance with people you like? …Ok," She started twirling her finger in front of Squall's face. "You like me… you like me… please like me," She stopped. "Did it work?" She asked him.

"Ok, fine, I'll dance with you," Squall said finally. '_Anything to get you to leave me alone._'

"Yeah!" She cried happily. They began to dance to the Waltz, where they bumped into another couple dancing.

"Hey, watch it asshole!" The guy growled angrily.

With that said, Squall punched him in the face and began kicking the shit out of him. Another guy came over to stop it, but all et for his troubles was a f-u from Squall. Another guy tried to stop them and got f-5ed for his trouble and the last guy on dance floor took a run at Squall and got tombstoned.

The girl, obviously scared, managed to get out, "I gotta go, bye!" Before running off.

Squall looked up to see "Cool Fireworks."

Later, Squall was now out on the balcony smoking a blunt. Quistis walked up to him.

"Squall get changed and meet me in the secret area that's an order." She ordered him.

She then took the blunt and took a hit. She blew the smoke out in the form of her snapping her whip. Squall took it back did another hit and blew out the smoke, it formed Bahamut doing his Mega Flare attack, blowing Quistis' smoke figure apart.

Afterwards, Squall went to his dorm and changed into his casual clothes, and met Quistis by the Training Center.

"Squall, have you fought a T-Rex yet?" She asked.

"Yup."

"Ok then on to the secret area… in the secret area."

They arrived at the Secret Area.

"Squall what time is it?" Quistis asked.

"About 12:18 AM… why?" He asked her back.

"Well… as of 12AM, I am no longer an instructor now I am just a SeeD, like you because I couldn't cut as an instructor." Quistis told him… before she began to cry.

"It's OK…" Squall murmured to her, putting one arm around her neck… he then put his leg around Quistis and hooking his foot around hers, delivering a Russian leg sweep, bouncing her head off the concrete – knocking her out.

"I'm gonna go get some sleep…" He told Quistis' unconscious form.

As he started to leave the Training Center he heard a girl scream.

"…" Squall sighed. "I've got save her, or I'll never get any sleep."

Squall leapt into battle cutting the bug who was attacking the girl, in half. "Well that was a waste of time…" Squall commented.

"Thank you so much Squall…" The mysterious girl said to him… before some weird guys in white appeared from the sky and took the girl and left.

Squall shrugged uncaringly and walked off to the dormitories.

"Squall where the hell have you been, man?" Zell demanded of him as he arrived in the dormitory corridor. "I've been standing here for hours and… well, I gotta take a shit, _real_ bad, but… I have to tell you new room is right across form your old one!" Zell told him, while running off.

"…Whatever," Squall mumbled to Zell, as he ran off.


	3. Timber Owls

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall  
Chapter 3:** Timber Owls

In Squall's room at the SeeD dorms, one Squall Leonhart was sleeping, snoring rather loudly. A loud knock on the door interrupted this, however Squall just gave a loud snore and rolled over. All he got in response to this was his door kicked open and a pair of familiar nun chucks smashing into his head. "Alright… fuck." He moaned sitting up with a rather large lump on his head. "I'm up."

Selphie's form appeared in the door frame, "Tee-hee!" She cried. "Great, let's go we have our first mission!" Was all she said before running off.

Squall looked down at his watch, to see it blaring 7:00AM, "Fucking hell."

Later out by the front of the Garden stood Cid, Squall Selphie and some Garden Guys. "Alright, one more fucking minute." Said a half-asleep Cid as Zell appeared in the background on his T-board. Squall picked up a rather large rock and threw it in the air while Selphie used her nun chucks as a bat to send the rock flying, hitting Zell in the head and him off the board and onto the ground screaming like a little girl.

"You three will head to timber and help out a resistance faction there." Cid commanded.

"Just us?" Zell questioned.

"Yes, they're poor and we don't come cheap." Cid shrugged. "Now get going. Oh and squall take the cursed thing with you." Cid said holding out a lamp.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"I command you!"

"…Whatever."

Squall and the two hyper retards left the Garden. "Can I rub the magical lamp?" Zell asked.

"No."

"Can I rub the lamp?" Was all Squall and Selphie heard for the next thirty minutes.

"Fine." Said an annoyed Squall and tossed him the lamp.

"Yay!" Cheered Zell like the hyper retard he was and rubbed the lamp. The three were teleported to a gay dark place.

"Kneel before me mortals!" Some gay thing cried out. However, before it could say more Selphie thew her nun chucks and the wrapped around the gay thing's neck thus strangling and killing it.

"Well…" Selphie said as they arrived back at wherever the hell they were before Zell rubbed the lamp, "That was fun."

They arrived at Balamb at went to the ticket counter at the train station. "3 Tickets." Ordered Squall.

"3 Tickets?" Asked the Ticket Dude, "That's 3,500 gil."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Squall replied in disbelief.

"Nope." The Ticket Dude replied happily, "Now fucking pay or no ride punk."

"Punk!" Squall screamed. "Did you say PUNK?"

"Yep." said Ticket Dude.

"Well… in that case." Squall jumped forward and slammed his body into the Ticket Dude, stole the tickets and ran onto the train.

On the train Selphie began to smash her fists on the door. "Open, open, open!" she cried and she smashed it one last time, opening it. Pleased with her success she ran to a window and stared out.

"Come on Squall let's check this out." Zell cheered before going into the cabin. "Whoaaaa!" Squall heard from inside before Zell began making incoherent noises.

Squall then entered the cabin. "WHAT THE FUCK?" He screamed upon seeing Zell frantically humping the sofa. "Wha-? Dude! Get the fuck off!"

"Yeah, yeah," Sighed Zell, "I'm getting off."

Squall chock slammed him. "Sick freak." He mumbled.

Selphie then choose that moment to enter. "I'm' getting sleepy…" She managed to mumble out before she dropped onto the sofa, Soon after, Zell began snoring and Squall dropped dead asleep

* * *

"Where the fuck are we?" The dumb fuck known as Kiros asked.

"How the fuck should I know?" The fuck nut known as Laguna asked.

"We're lost." said the last of the trio, Ward, the fat fuck.

"No shit." Laguna replied.

They began to run through the forest until they arrived at there gay vehicle. The retard trio jumped in and drove to Galbadia.

"Let's go to the bar." Laguna suggested.

"Shouldn't we move the gay-mobile?" Kiros asked.

"Who gives a shit?" Laguna shrugged. "To the bar!"

They arrived at the bar at sat at a table from which they ordered the usual and watched as the mother of a bitch, Julia got ready to play.

"Dude!" Kiros whispered. "Ya gotta do this; it may be your only shot!"

"Yeah man!" Ward agreed. "Tonight you're gonna tap that ass."

"I don't think this is a good idea…"

"Just go!" Kiros and Ward said as the shoved him forward.

Laguna slowly made his way toward Julia, but when he got to the piano he dropped to the ground having a massive seizure.

" ahbhjgabhfbfah."

After everyone in the bar had left except for Kiros and Ward, who had to wait 30 minutes for the seizure to stop.

"Ugh." Laguna got up and looked around. "What happened guys?"

"You had another seizure." Kiros said. "Why the fuck does that always happen to you."

"How the fuck should I know."

"Dudes! Shut the fuck up! He have a mission so lets get the fuck out of here!"

* * *

_The train is about to arrive at Timber in 5 minutes, I repeat, The train is about to arrive at Timber in 5 minutes._

"Urgh." Squall got up. "Is everyone ok?" they nodded.

"I had a good dream about a guy named Laguna." Selphie announced.

"Me too!" Zell said in some kind of retarded awe.

"I had the same dream except I was a fuck nut who has a damn seizure every time he gets near a woman, an ugly at that." Squall said, annoyed at having to give input.

They departed the train at Timber Station and Stoner Fuck walks towards Squall. "The forests sure have changed."

"So…?" Squall asked. "Who gives a fuck? We've got important shit to take care of."

"Right…" Stoner Fuck mumbled. "Well, whatever… follow me."

They follow him to a crappy train car. They entered inside. "I'm Watts." Stoner Fuck introduced himself. "And this is Zone." He motioned to the retard next to him.

"Wake the Princess." The Retard commanded.

"..." Squall gave an annoyed sigh and headed to the end room where the 'princess' was. '_Oh god._' Thought Squall when he saw the 'princess' was in fact the girl from the dance. '_Not her! Why do we have to work for her!_'

"Huh?" The girl mumbled sleepily and getting up once Squall bashed her over the head with the hilt of his Gunblade. "Yay! SeeD is here!" She cheered,

'_Just great, another hyper retard._'

"Now we can carry out our plans." She walked out the room. "Oh!" she gasped before coming back in. "My name is Rinoa."

Squall returned to the front of the train with Rinoa and introduced everyone. "Rinoa, these are my retarded squad members. Zell, Selphie, this is our Hyper Retarded client."

"Well let's get started then."

"The President is on a train to Dollet and the plan is that we-"

"Bow him up with a rocket launcher?" Cheered Selphie like a hyper little girl.

"Well… yeah, that's the plan."

"Fire!" Zell screamed. "Fire, Fire, FIRe, FIRE, **FIRE**, _**FIRE**_!" Squall spared him an annoyed glance before punching him in the face sending him flying into a wall. Squall was rewarded with the sound of bones cracking.

"He does that from time to time." Squall shrugged.

Soon the four found themselves on top of the train.

"Jumping on and off of trains? You really are retarded aren't you?" Squall screamed to Rinoa over the wind.

"Yeah."

On top the base car they ran and jumped to the Second Escort Car then across that to the President's Car then to the First Escort Car and they did the first uncoupling process and made the trains link up. Next they went on to the Second Escort Car. But, just as they finished the second uncoupling process as Squall began to came up his cord snapped.

"_OH __**FUCK**_" Squall screamed as fell and began to fall down a hill. "AHHHH!" He screamed as something came into his sight. "SHIIIIT TREES!"

Back at the gay train car the three hyper retards walked through a door to the President's Car. "Say goodbye, bitch." Zell said cockily to the President as he got into a battle postion.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The President laughed. "I'm not the real President." He laughed again. "Now you shall pa-" He was unable to finish his last sentence as Selphie's nun chucks wrapped around his neck and strangled him to death.

"So…" Zell said breaking the silence that the Fake President's death had caused. "What do we do now without Squall?"

As if on cue the door opened and Squall entered, all cut up, dirty and covered in brush.

"So did I miss anything, bitches?"


	4. Martial Law

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall  
Chapter 4:** Martial Law

Our heroes reconvened at Timber because the Timber Owl's attempt on the President's life had caused the trains to stop running.

"So…" Started an annoyed Squall, having discovered something that severely pissed him off. "You mean we have to work for you until Timber gains it's independence?"

"Yup. That's right!" Replied a cheerful Rinoa.

'_Urgh. I really need to figure out a way to kill this bitch…_' In the distance, Squall heard some random gang fucker moaning about someone having stolen his 'sack'._ 'Hey, I know!_'

"Hey guys, I have to go… uhh, take a piss! Yeah, that's it so… uhh… wait here a sec!" Squall said hurriedly before running off. Rinoa looked disappointed that he's run off. Zell and Selphie just didn't really give a fuck.

Squall ran around a corner and waited until the retards were around another corner and out of site. "Hey!" He called to the random gang fuck. "I know who took your sack."

"WHAT? WHO? If you don't tell me I'll fucking piss on your ass and fucking skull fuck you. Then I'll drill a hole in your neck and piss in ut if you don't tell me!" Random gang fucker screamed.

"…The black haired girl with the crappy blue clothing thing with the wings on the back. She took it!" Squall told him.

"WHA-? That little stupid sons of bitches 2 gil crack whore!" Random gang fucker snarled. "That's fucking it! My fucking life's new fucking ambition is to fucking kill that fucking little stupid sons of bitches 2 gil crack whore and get my sack back!" He screamed some other crap before running off to get equipped.

Squall ran and caught up to the others. Zell gave him an odd look. "Squall! You took fucking ages! What the hell were you doing?"

Squall glared. "…Whatever."

They walk around Timber for god knows how long, going to the Timber Maniacs and then to the Old Bitch's house.

"So… what do we do now?" Rinoa asks, the 'gang' as Zell had taken to calling them were currently hiding from the G-Soldiers in a room in the upstairs of the Old Bitch's house.

"We wait." Was Squall told them before walking into a corner so he could hide the smirk that had crossed his usual emotionless face. '_Soon… we will be rid of you_.'

"What are you thinking about?" Rinoa asked.

"Nothing."

The Old Bitch came in. "Ok ya little fuckers. You can all leave now."

So they left the shit hole that was the Old Bitch's place and went to the bar. In the bar there was a drunken retard whining about shit no one cared about.

"Hey! Drunk retard, you want a drink?" Squall asked.

"Yeah." Replied the drunk.

"Well then, Zell." He said turning to face said person. "Why don't you buy our retarded friend here a drink?"

Zell smirked and grabbed a bottle from behind the counter a threw it at the drunk, it impacting a smashing against his forehead. Hew fell over unconscious a pool of blood beginning to drip from where the bottle hit. Zell's smirk turned into a retarded grin as he began to do the René Dupree dance over the drunk retard.

Squall cover his face with his hand and sighed. "…" He stood that for a while before he lowered his hand. "Zell. You are such a fucking retard."

This angered Zell, who thought that the dance was 'all that'. He lashed out with a punch aimed a Squall, who dodged. Zell kept punching and smashed another bottle, this time on his hand and runs out of the pub via the door the drunken retards unconscious body is lying in front of screaming like a little girl the whole way.

Squall sighed. "…" and then made a motion for Selphie and Rinoa to follow Zell. "You really are such a fucking retard." He and the two bitches came up to Zell up some stairs where he was looking up at a giant TV stupidly. Squall looked up to see Seifer trying to rape the President.

"Isn't this one of those new reality TV shows?" Zell asked.

Squall shrugged. "If it is, reality TV sucks."

Rinoa and Selphie joined them at the huge TV in time to see Quistis appear on it. "Squall, get your fucking ass down here!"

"Fuck…" Snarled an annoyed Squall. "Damn that Seifer, always having to make run around!"

As they began running up the stairs, an arm reached up and grabbed Rinoa's. She looked up to see the Random Gang Fucker. "What do you want?" She screamed. "It doesn't matter what you do, my Squally wil-" was as far as she got before Random Gang Fucker pushed her over the edge.

"Hehe…" He chuckled darkly to himself. "Now, to take my sack back from your ugly little body and once I get it back, I could maybe…" He began to mumble to himself about random crap he could do with Rinoa's corpse.

At the TV Station, Quistis explained to the others what happened and Zell, being the retard he is, let slip the Garden their from. Then, the Sorceress showed her ugly ass.

"Fable child trying to do the work of man… but, he is afraid." She announced to Seifer.

"So?" He asked, not really caring.

Quistis chose that moment to run into the room. The Sorceress gave her a look and raised her hand doing some magic. Quistis once under the spell began doing the twist. The others ran in soon after and found themselves put under the same spell, with Zell doing the French Tickler, Selphie, the Macarena and Squall doing the Worm. "What the fuck?" He asked to no one in particular.

"Join me boy!" The Sorceress commanded Seifer.

Seifer shrugged. "Ok." And with that, he and the Sorceress left and everyone stopped dancing.

"So…" Quistis asked, "What do we do now?"

"Uhh… smoke a blunt? Have a sandwich? Take a nap?" Squall suggested.

"_**Squall**_." The rest all said in a gay sounding disappointed voice.

"Umm, we go to the nearest Garden, which would be the G-string Garden."

"Right!" announced Quistis happily. "Now let's go."

The four of them left the TV Station. At the bottom of the stairs they saw Rinoa rubbing her head, a small bump on it.

Off to the side of a near by building, Random Gang Fucker quickly retreated into the shadows and scowled. '_So the bitch isn't dead then? Fine. I'll stalk her until I kill her_.' He smirked evilly at his new plan to get his sack back and laughed evilly as he walked away. He would kill the bitch who dared steal _his _sack!


	5. Junction

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall  
Chapter 5: **Junction

Having boarded the train and gotten off at the East Academy station, the party continued onwards to the G-string Garden.

"Oh god." Squall said, stopping suddenly and clutching his head.

"What is it Squally?" Rinoa asked, overly concerned.

"My head hur-" Was as much as he was able to say before he collapsed, Quistis and Selphie following in suit, the three falling victim to the dream world.

"Oh no!" Rinoa cried out, looking like she wanted to oh-so wanted to cry. "Oh Squally!"

* * *

In some random place, the 'three fucks' (Laguna, Kiros and Ward) looked around them like the idiots they were wondering once again where the hell they were.

"Let me see the map." Laguna said after a long pause.

"Here." Kiros said, handing him the map.

"Well… it looks like we're fucking lost… again." Laguna groaned in frustration.

"Shit." Kiros kicked the ground while Laguna looked around to see if he could see anything that looked familiar.

"Uh… E is for pants." Ward spoke up randomly.

"Uh, wha-?" Laguna asked before turning to Kiros, "What the hell is fat man on?" Kiros just shrugged.

The three decided to investigate the place despite the fact it was infested with super mutant soldiers with advanced weapons of minor destruction.

After having another fit and somehow killing more mutants, the three made it to the rocks with the explosives.

Upon seeing a switch, Ward grinned crazily. "Big boom big fun." He declared before hitting both buttons.

Cries of "Holy Shit!" and "Ah fuck!" were drowned out by an earth shaking **BOOM**!

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the Random Gang Fuck was hiding behind a bush with a sniper rifle held in his hands. '_Time to die, stupid bitch._' He thought while he aimed the rifle at Rinoa and prepared to fire.

Rinoa suddenly fell to her knees crying, moaning something about 'her Squally.'

Zell, who noticed this bent down to try and cheer her up… the same time Random Gang fuck Fired his sniper rifle, the result being the bullet piercing Zell's ass.

"**OHMYGOD**!" Zell screamed at the top of his lungs before collapsing to the ground holding his ass while he moaned in pain.

* * *

Laguna looked over the cliff. The three had been blown onto its edge by the explosion.

"Ships!" Kiros cried out upon seeing the ships. "We're saved!"

"You...guys...it..its...been...f..fu...fun." Ward said, randomly having a speech problem.

"Ward don't say that, we'll be fine." He said cheerfully before pushing both Ward and Kiros off the cliff.

"Man guys… that took balls, it's a loooooong way down." Laguna began to climb down slowly. "Oh look a quarter!" He yelled excitedly and tried to reach for it causing him to fall down. "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh !"

* * *

The three woke up, still in the forest.

Quistis crossed her arms, completely ignoring the dream she had just experinced. "C'mon, we have to go."

"B-but… my ass has a bullet in it!" Zell cried out, still curled up on the ground clutching his ass.

Squall just gave him a 'so?' look and said, "Whatever." before walking in the direction of the G-string Garden.

After an extremely long walk from the forest, they arrived at the G-string Garden. (Though, in reality it was only a couple of minutes, but Zell and Selphie's constant whining had made it seem all the more longer.)

Squall looked up at the Garden and blinked slightly in suprise. With a name like 'G-String Garden' he hadn't expected the place to look so... normal looking, however before Squall could think more on this _interesting_ matter, Quistis spoke up.

"I've been here before, so let me talk to the Headmaster." She said and simply walked off to do just that.

"Ok." Squall turned to the others, "Everybody follow Quistis, I have something I need to take care of." Only after the others had departed for the Garden's entrance after Quistis did he approach the horribly hidden figure behind him.

"You failed to kill her." Squall stated the obvious with annoyance to the Random Gang Fuck.

The gang member glared at him, "You think I'm stupid?" he growled.

"Well... yes." Squall stated simply, before putting his hand into his pocket and pulling out a bag of gil. "Use this to buy some new equipment. If you fail to kill her, I'll kill you for wasting my money."

Having said his piece, Squall left to enter the Garden while behind him the Random Gang Fuck was rubbing his hands together at the possiblities.

Arriving and waiting in the guest room, the others began talking about Seifer's supposed demise.

"He _was_ an OK guy, I guess."

" He_ was _a horrible bitch."

"I loved him, _once_."

The conversation randomly caused Squall to grab his head and scream. "I DON'T WANT TO BE REFERED TO IN THE PAST TENSE AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" And ran out the door and down the stairs, where he met Raijin.

"Yo. Is Seifer with you, ya know?" Raijin asked.

"No, he's dead." Squall answered, already over his problem.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO, ya know?" He screamed while curling up into a fetal position and then proceeding to cry.

Afterwards Squall went outside with the rest of the party where the Garden's Headmaster, Martine showed up wearing a tuxedo jacket, a g-string and a pair of sandals. "Your job is to assassinate the Sorceress."

"We don't have a sharpshooter." Squall pointed out.

"That's why we're going to give you one Irvine...IRVINE KINNEAS, get your chap wearing Axl Rose wannabe ass out here right now!" Martine called to a gay-looking cowboy who had probably been in the movie, Brokeback Mountain.

The gay cowboy looked up. "What?"

"You are to go we these SeeDs and assassinate the sorceress, ok?"

Irvine shrugged. "Ok."

Having said all he needed to, Martine left.

"So which lucky ladies get to come with me the irv man?" Irvine asked, leering at Quistis and Selphie.

Selphie raised her hand and cast a fire spell on his hat.

"Aaaaaahhhhh!" Irvine shrieked like a little girl and threw down his hat and stomped on it to put it out. "Why did you do that?"

Selphie shrugged and smirked at him, causing Squall to laugh.

"Come on." Quistis said as she began to leave. "We've got to get the train to Galabdia."


	6. Find Your Way

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall**  
**Chapter 6: **Find Your Way

"It's about fucking time!" Squall declared as they finally arrived in the capital city of Galabdia – Deling City.

"So, where does this General live?" Quistis asked Squall.

Squall blinked. "Aren't you the ex-Instructor? Why the hell would I know?"

"Because!" Selphie screamed from the back of the group. "You're the leader! It's your job to know."

Squall chose to ignore her and instead turned to Zell. "Zell, you seem to know everything. Tell me – where does this General live?"

"Umm..." Zell blinked, suprised Squall had actually asked _him _of all people. "Well, I don't have a damn clue." He said finally.

Before Squall could reply, Rinoa piped up. "Three blocks down and to the right." She said matter of factly.

Squall turned to glare at her, the mere sound of her voice giving him a headache. "And, just how _the fuck _do you know that?"

"The General is my father." She replied cheerfully.

Squall's eyes went wide and he took a deep breath, releasing it with a "**!**"

Getting a hold on himself, he glared at her. "Great, just _great_! Now I know why you need us so bad – you wanted us to help with your daddy issue!" He ranted. "Well, guess what? We're not Jerry fucking Springer!" He screamed before storming off the way they came.

"I'd say he took that well!" Selphie screamed from the back.

The group (minus Squall) made they're way to the mansion, only to discover some random G-Soldier standing guard outside, twin knives, single black wing and all.

"_S-CELLS..._"

"The fuck?" Zell asked to no one in particular.

"He said we have to prove our bravery by going to the Tomb of the Unknown King and obtaining a number hidden there." Irvine spoke up for the first time this chapter, lifting his hat with his finger.

"The fuck?" Zell asked once again.

"Is that true!" Quistis exclaimed.

"Yes." Irvine answered simply, staring at her breasts for which he got a nice punch in the face for.

"Then lets just find Squall." Quistis said, turning to the rest of the group. "And just do what Irvine says." She shrugged.

Looking around the city after having split up into pairs, Zell and Rinoa eventually came upon Squall at the car rental place sitting on the curb muttering to himself and smoking a joint.

"Squally!" Rinoa cried out running over to him. Squall's eyes went wide with panic, but before he could move Rinoa glomped him.

Squall twitched and glared at her. "Goddammit I hate you, woman."

* * *

Having explained the situation to Squall ("The fuck?") the three decided to leave for the Tomb of the Unknown King, which Rinoa conveniently knew the location of.

However, Squall was way to stoned to walk there so he stumbled over to the old man at the rental shop. "One Car, please."

The old man grinned. "That'll be 44,500 gil please."

"The hell?" Squall exclaimed at the huge price, his surprise turning into rage. "No fucking way am I paying that much!"

After one beating of a senior citizen and countless automobile incidents, they finally arrived at the tomb where they saw two girls running out. "Float."

"Yeah, whatever." Squall answered.

Entering the tomb, Rinoa gasped at the smell that suddenly assaulted their nostrils. "Oh, Squally! What is that horrid smell?"

"Dunno. But it reeks of dead ass." Squall shrugged.

"Hey look!" Zell exclaimed pointing to a silver thing in the distance. The three approached it, which turned out to be a sword on the ground. "Wow, shiny object!"

Squall looked over Zell's shoulder and saw a number engraved on the sword. "#123" He read out loud.

Now they had the number to make they annoying copy of a copy of Gackt move and continue on with the main plotline, instead however, they decided to explore the tomb for no real reason, where in such exploring they came across a statue.

"KILL ALL WHO ENTER! RAWR!" The statue growled, jumping to attack them.

"On no!" Zell cried. "We don't have Selphie here to strangle it... what can we do?"

"Please! DO something, Squally!"

Sighing, Squall pulled out his Gunblade and simply stabbed the statue in the stomach.

"ARGH!" The Statue, or rather one of the Minotaur Brothers, Sacred, screamed out in pain. "BASTARDS! I'LL BE BACK!"

Both Zell and Rinoa looked and Squall with big round shiny eyes and their hands clasped together. "Wow Squall! That was... so _cool!_" Zell squealed.

"No. Fucking. Way." Squall growled, raising his Gunblade. "One is enough." And bashed Zell over the head with it.

Zell slowly got back up off the ground, clutching his head. "Urgh. Thanks Squall... I needed that.


	7. Force Your Way

**Everyday Life is Hell For Squall**  
**Chapter 7: **Force Your Way

After wandering around in the tomb for over an hour, Zell finally realized they were lost – something Squall had realized himself just over 59 minutes ago.

"So, Squally, what do we do now?" Rinoa asked, looking around the damp tomb fearfully.

Squall turned to her, "Well, we- "

"Smoke a blunt and wander around some more?" Zell suggested a big smile on his face at the thought of the idea.

"Great idea, Zell!" Squall said a look of mock praise on his face, causing Zell to beam happily, until the look on Squall's face disappeared and he whacked the martial artist over the head. "Not! You dumbass, did you forget we don't have any blunts left?"

"Oh... ow... right..." Zell mumbled, rubbing his head.

* * *

"-so you're saying that if we kill these teenagers for you, the one in blue in specific, you'll get us a library for our delightful home that you humans call a tomb?" The oldest of the Brothers, Minotaur, said in a small voice, a nerdy pair of glasses on his face.

"I'D REALLY LOVE ME SOME BOOKS. I'D ESPESIALLY LIKE TO KNOW THAT THESE 'LOWER CASE LETTERS' MY BROTHER KEEPS TALKING ABOUT ARE!" Sacred practically screamed, in his booming voice.

"Uh, sure, why not," Random Gang Fucker shrugged. "Just as long as you keep the girl's body undamaged, then it's all good."

Minotaur smiled. "very well. brother, let us get to business."

"YEAH LET'S GO KILL THOSE HUMAN FUC-"

"brother." Minotaur frowned, "what have i told you about using foul language?"

Sacred lowered his head. "SORRY BRO."

They left, leaving Random Gang Fucker alone with the echo of Sacred's voice.

"Hehehe..." His face twisted into an evil smile, "I've won... Just as Planned."

* * *

After another hour of wandering they somehow found themselves in the center tomb.

Squall looked around, before he shrugged. "I honestly have no idea how the hell we ended up here."

Rinoa quickly latched onto his shoulder. "Oh, Squally! You're so smart, leading us to this place unconsciously!"

"Yeah I guess I did." Squall murmured... before his eyes widened. _I just... agreed with her!_ He quickly ran over to one of the ancient coffins and threw up.

"Oh, damn!" Zell shouted laughing happily. "That was an awesome vomit!"

Squall walked away from his sick while wiping his mouth, "You're an idiot, Zell."

"AND SO ARE YOU, EMO BOY!" Sacred screamed, coming up from the coffin covered in Squall's vomit. "I WAS HIDING IN THERE TO AMBUSH YOU! AND YOU JUST THREW UP ON ME!"

Squall shrugged. "Whatever."

"WELL THIS TIME I'VE GOT MY BIG BRO WITH ME AND ME AND HIM ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME AND IT IS GOING TO BE EXTREMELY BRUTAL AND THERE WILL BE LOTS OF BLOOD AND-"

"brother," Minotaur said, coming out from behind a coffin, "there is no need to be so loud."

"SORRY AGAIN BRO." Sacred shouted apologetically.

"hmph. you're forgiven.. again." Looking over at Squall and co, Minotaur frowned. "these beat you?"

"YEAH THAT EMO ONE IN THE LEATHER IS TOUGHER THAN HE LOOKS."

"impressive" Minotaur raised his weapon. "now die!"

"You know. I grow tired of you guys." With a sigh, Squall threw his Gunblade at Sacred, it impaling him where it had last time.

"AH SHIT."

"_Flare_." Squall incanted, the spell obliterating Sacred and leaving behind nothing but Squall's Gunblade.

"ah... maybe now is a good time to run?" Minotaur turned tail and ran – or at least he tried to, for he had been grabbed by Zell.

"Hey there, bitch." Zell said with a creepy smiled on his face, "I think you dropped the soap. Are you going to pick it up?"

"err?" Minotaur blinked, utterly confused.

"Well, if you're not..." Zell's face twisted into one of glee as he folded him into a ball and passed Squall the smaller brother's club. "This is a huge drive for Squall! He should break slightly to the left!" Zell shouted in an announcer voice.

Rearing back, Squall swung the club at Minotaur just as Zell dropped him. "FOUR!" And smacked Minotaur into god knows where.

* * *

_Later..._

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT TURNED INTO GUARDIAN FORCES!"

"it's not that hard to believe, brother." Minotaur said slowly, before he let out a sigh. "i just hope we're not junctioned to one with the tattoo. putting up with one idiot is hard enough, let alone living in one."


End file.
